OF.ALL.TIME.

HeyEpiphora.com is having a giveaway.

Usually, when a blogger does a giveaway, there will be a prize. Or two. Possibly three. Piph? Nah. She doesn’t do usual. She does CRAZY. She is giving away TEN Lelo Mona 2 vibrators! TEN.

Like, I feel like writing TEN in all caps isn’t sufficient enough. Remember in the early 2000s when every girl on Myspace/Neopets had her name in a glittering animated gif? That’s how TEN should be written.


It’s like 2002 up in here.

I think I should stop making this entry look like it belongs on Myspace. How many font effects can I use in one post?

The Lelo Mona 2 is a vibrator I have had my eye on for awhile. This is not just me and my acquisitiveness, I promise. This is my vagina talking. It wants one. It is angry that I haven’t bought one yet. It heard that Piph adores the Mona 2 and is jealous of her vagina. You can’t reason with a vagina, like with an adult. A vagina is like a child in some ways. “Look, you have plenty of other great toys right over here! You have more toys than most!” “I DON’T CARE, I WANNNNNNIT”

Vaginas have the worst tantrums, too.

 

win-1-of-10-lelo-mona-2-vibrators-heyepiphora-com-long

So, I think you should enter to win a Lelo Mona 2 from HeyEpiohora.com  because I sure am. My vagina doesn’t want the competition but I say go for it!
(Ok, officially done anthropomorphizing my vagina now)

Guilty Fiction – Nicky Charles

Do you have books you like to read that you probably wouldn’t tout as “good literature” to your snobby friends? We all should. We should all read all sort of books, especially fiction.

For the longest time, I kept my love of sci-fi to myself. My public self loves Dostoevsky, Jane Austen, Tolstoy, etc. And I do love them. But sometimes, I just want to read something fun. Something funny, sexy, and, let’s face it: not something I would have read in college.

To be fair, these types of books may not be impressive tomes to leave on your table, they may not challenge your intellect very much, but these types of books are necessary.

A good reader can enjoy and respect all types of literature. And we shouldn’t feel guilty about our guilty pleasures.

My “guilty” choice? Werewolf/vampire novels. No, not Twilight. I just can’t get behind Twilight, even though I made myself read the whole series. No, I like the were/vamp literature that’s not about abusive relationships. I like real relationships in books, but Twilight just put me right off.

One of my favourite authors of the genre is Nicky Charles, and independent authors who writes just because she loves to write.

For the longest time, she gave away her ebooks for free, and asked that, if you so wished, you would donate what you thought the book was worth to an animal charity. I love this. Now, she is asking a small price for her ebooks, which I am totally down with. I downloaded all her books onto my (previous) cell phone and read them on the bus. A few times. I just got a new phone, so I will have to buy her books again, I think.

From her latest newsletter:

Yes, that is a price you see listed above; that’s my next piece of news. After much wavering, soul-searching and consultation with friends, I’ve finally decided to start selling my books. I’m getting closer to retirement and, with the cost of living increasing, my nice pension won’t be stretching quite as far as it once would have. As well, my local animal shelter is in desperate need of rebuilding. I’m hoping the proceeds from my books will allow me to help out in a meaningful way.

I think this is totally fair. $2.99 is an incredible deal for such engaging books, and for such a good cause.

Nicky is currently running a contest in which five winners will be chosen to receive a free copy of her ebook from smashwords. I so want to win!

ENTER THE CONTEST!

PLEASE NOTE: This post is not in any way an endorsement in hopes of winning, and in no way increases my chances. I am just writing this because I want to support an awesome author as well as help others get into her fantastic fiction series.

Inexcusable Absense

I could blame my lack of posts on my laptop (Hernando) being in mortal peril, though he’s fixed now and running smoother with Windows 8.

I could blame my lack of posts on changes with affiliate companies.

I could blame my lack of posts on any number of things.

Will I? No. Ultimately, I couldn’t get motivated to post. I have things to post, reviews to write, etc. I just chose not to.

No excuses.

2014

We’ll see how this goes.

I need to blog more. Reviews are getting few and far between (need new companies to partner with, I guess) and I suck at keeping this updated. Dammit, self! Update your blog, finish all the info sections, and get new shit to review! Also, finagle your recluse-station (recliner and tv table) into a position better-suited for writing (and drawing on your tablet) and not suited for staring at puppy videos and BuzzFeed.

I am incredibly sick right now. That’s another “resolution” I need to keep up on. I’m not anemic anymore (HOORAY for disobeying my doctor and turning vegan, my blood is normal now!) but I am not healthy. I need to get rid of/improve this fucking asthma, kick the shit out of this social anxiety, and tone down my general flabbiness. I’m 30 now. Shit’s just going to keep going downhill if I let it.

Maybe this year I will stick to my resolutions? I think they’re all pretty realistic; I just need to work on some stuff. It’s not like I’m trying to tell myself to become a rock star or Olympic athlete. I just need to be less of a mess.

GoodVibes Review: Maven Silicone Dildo

The awesome people at GoodVibes sent me the Maven Silicone Dildo to review quite awhile ago. This review is quite tardy, and for that, I apologize. My sex drive has been all over the map, which makes for tricksy reviewing.

Maven, by Pleasureworks, is a substantially-sized dildo made of 100% silicone. It measures in at 7 3/4″ long, with a shaft diameter of 1 5/8″. It’s quite a size jump from the Rookie I reviewed from the same line. 

Maven has a curved shaft (though not quite as curved as Rookie) which may or may not stimulate your g-spot. I am beginning to suspect that my g-spot is becoming less finicky with time, as pretty much everything makes me squirt these days. Maven is no exception.

Maven Silicone Dildo by Pleasure Works, from GoodVibes.com, and packagingIts base makes it anal-safe, though I’m unable to rate it in this capacity (pun!), as well as harness-compatible.

Mine came in the caramel colour (also available: vanilla and chocolate) which is a bit darker than the vanilla my Rookie came in, but I find caramel to be more of a realistic colour. I can’t compare it to chocolate, since I haven’t received anything in that colour to review.

Please excuse my weird hippie towel background; I’m not really sure what I was going for here.

I should have used my plain black fabric.

 

Maven Silicone Dildo by Pleasure Works, from Goodvibes.com

Maven sports some bulging veins, though it’s not quite so textured-feeling; once inserted, I don’t feel much in the way of texture. It’s actually pretty smooth while thrusting.The pronounced head also has some pretty realistic texturing that impressed me, but again, I didn’t really feel it at all. Just neat to look at, I guess.

This is one of the most realistic-looking dildos I’ve tried, and it feels pretty realistic, too. It has a nice heft to it and slight give to the material without being too squishy. “Smurfing” with Maven is more true-to-life than I would have guessed.

 

Maven Silicone Dildo by Pleasure Works, from GoodVibes.com

 

Maven’s curve isn’t terribly pronounced, so if you need a real curve to get g- or p-spot stimulation, this may not work for you. Personally, the slight curve coupled with the pronounced head worked with my anatomy just fine.

The silicone used is quite smooth, with just a bit of drag, so a dab of (water-based) lube should do you just fine.

 

 

 

 

My final verdict? Maven is totally a would-buy-even-if-I-hadn’t-been-given-it-to-review.

 

 

This review, as well as the product reviewed, are in no way, shape, or form affiliated withor endorsed by any wrestler or sports entertainment company. At all.

This review, as well as the product reviewed, are in no way, shape, or form affiliated with or endorsed by any wrestler or sports entertainment company. At all.

Review: Fetish Fantasy Series Light Pink Rope Cuff Set

It’s like Being Tied Up – For Dummies

I wish this had been my first foray into bondage; it’s just so simple and intuitive.

Pros: Great for novices, easy to use and adjust quickly, endless possibilities, wide variety of uses.

Cons: Items don’t match each other, extra bits are not of the best quality.

The Fetish Fantasy Series Light Pink Rope Cuff Set is an excellent set for beginners; it’s pretty self-explanatory and simple. For those who are into more advanced rope techniques, this set could still provide interest, since there are endless ways you can use it.

There are two ties included, a shorter one for wrists, and a longer one for ankles. They are very adjustable, so just imagine the possibilities: you can tie legs instead of ankles, elbows instead of wrists, etc. The lengths can be played with by criss-crossing the ropes. You can hogtie someone, you can place the ropes around an object like a chair or bedrail. There are so many things you can try, and the beauty is that the looped ends don’t tend to tangle, so it can be easier than using standard rope.

Fetish Fantasy Series Light Pink Rope Cuff SetThe ropes themselves are quite sturdy, with just a small amount of give/bounce to them when jerked. The plastic bits that keep the cuffs looped are fairly thick and I think would stand up under normal use without cracking. The rope is quite soft and smooth against bare skin, without feeling too silky and slippery, and it stays in place pretty well. The length (22″ for the wrist rope and 46″ for the ankle rope) and thickness seem like they would suffice for most users; people under four feet in height might have some issues with the rope being a bit long, though that is easily remedied with a few tweaks. The ropes should last quite a while, they seem well-made.

 

Also included in this set are a ball gag and an eye mask. Curiously, both of these items are completely different shades of pink from each other and from the ropes. Personally, this didn’t bother me, but it’s worth mentioning that it won’t be a completely matching set.

The ball gag is pretty standard; a small (1 3/4″ diameter) ball attached around the head by a thin cotton cord with a plastic clip. The ball itself tastes pretty funky, but it’s rubber, so what else can you really expect? It’s not going to taste like ambrosia, but it’s also not unbearably gross. I found the ball to be a bit on the small side for myself, but it’s not so small that it’s ineffective. The cord is a little flimsy, almost like a shoelace, and I don’t feel it did a terribly good job of securing the gag behind the head. To be honest though, it’s rubber, so I’m not going to use it.

The eye mask is a thin piece of pink nylon that kind of feels like slipping a windbreaker or scrap of umbrella on over your eyes. It’s not terribly uncomfortable and doesn’t block out the light, but I suppose it does the job covering your eyes, as long as the flimsy elastic that wraps around your head stays put. The quality is not very good though, and I can see it breaking very easily. Thankfully, this item is a “bonus” to the kit, and not one of the main components, so don’t feel like you’re getting ripped off.

Fetish Fantasy Series Light Pink Rope Cuff SetThe rope cuff set did exactly what I thought it would: be a simple and quick way to restrain somebody. The plastic clips and loops make it very customizable and effortless; I didn’t have to struggle with unexpected knots or twists in the ropes, and everything went smoothly.
Experimenting was fun. I was able to use the cuffs in a variety of different ways, such as putting wrists and ankles through from the bottom of the clips, using only a single strand of rope, and seeing how much (or little) struggle it took to escape, wrapping the ropes around different objects to make escape more difficult, using the cuffs on different areas such as the calf or upper arm to provide different levels of restraint. The possibilities go on and on with this set.

I like that you can quickly change from one application of the ropes to another; if your partner feels a bit chafed or one position isn’t working, it’s very easy to switch it up and try something else.

You can easily wash all items in this set in warm water with a bit of soap, though I wouldn’t recommend throwing it all into the washing machine, as it would be too easily tangled. You could throw the blindfold and ropes into a delicates bag and not have to worry though. You can also simply wipe it all down with a damp cloth.
The ball gag can’t be sterilized, but washing with antibacterial soap would be beneficial.

The set comes in a cardboard box plastered with images of a scantily clad woman enjoying the set in all types of poses. Not very discreet, but I liked that the box was small enough that it held everything without being bulky. All of the items come individually wrapped in clear plastic baggies. There were no instructions and not very much information at all included.

Overall, I really liked the cuffs and even appreciated the ball gag that was included, though I won’t use it. The blindfold (which snapped almost immediately) is a standard freebie and doesn’t really affect my opinion of the set, which is mostly positive.

 

Overall Rating: 3.5/5

 

Buy your own in my online shop!

Review: The Groove by Doc Johnson

The Groove by Doc Johnson

My first experience with an anal toy, getting the floppy, bendy Groove into my butt was a bit of a struggle. It was kind of like trying to have sex with a drunk man; it’s so floppy that you almost want to try to FOLD it in. But once you’ve got the tip inside, you’re good.

The Groove is a great introduction to anal toys. It’s made for comfort as well as stimulation, and is very easy to use. I like that there aren’t any bells or whistles; it’s exactly what you anticipate it will be.

The Groove is great for couple or solo play, and wonderful for those new to anal toys. You can use it in the tub or shower, or really anywhere you please.

The Groove, being made of premium platinum-grade silicone is odorless and smooth to the touch. It’s not quite as glossy-smooth as I thought it would be, but it’s definitely not grabby or textured. The whole toy is extremely bendable, which can make insertion, especially for beginners, a little bit of work, but after the tip is inserted, it’s a breeze to use.

The Groove’s very squishy and flexible, but as you near the base, the larger bumps/grooves are much firmer.

The colour is gorgeous; what looks like a shimmering solid blue is actually, on closer inspection, a shimmering spectrum of blue and silver swirls. As I unpacked and cleaned The Groove for the first time, I couldn’t stop turning it in the light to catch the faint sparkle and shine.

On first sight, The Groove gave me pause; I didn’t realize that it would be quite so long. It is 7″ long, with six of those inches being insertable. After trying it out, though, it is a very good length. The length allows for a gentle graduation of girth.

The bumps, or balls, vary from the size of the tip of your thumb to just a bit bigger than a golf ball, with a circumference of 4 3/4″. I think this is ideal, because it allows you to work up to the larger size. So far, I have been able to use it all except the largest bump, and I imagine that, with more use, eventually I will be able to use the whole thing. If it were any smaller, it would be outgrown, so I think it’s perfect as-is for beginners to intermediate users.

The only thing I would change is the flexibility of that first little bump; it does make it a bit difficult to get in, as it wants to bend rather than be inserted, so you really have to guide the tip in with your finger.

Other than the squishy, flexible tip not wanting to be inserted and trying to bend and bounce away, The Groove performs really well. With ample (water-based) lube and a careful finger guiding the way, once the tip is inserted anally, the rest of it glides right in. The bumpiness gives enough to feel, but the smoothness and squishiness makes it completely comfortable. I like that the large size of the last bump gives me something to work towards.

The Groove is made of 100% premium platinum-grade silicone. This means that it’s non-porous and easy to clean with warm soapy water, and easy to sanitize with a diluted bleach solution.

Having never used an anal toy, I was worried that it might hold on to odors, but after thoroughly cleaning, it smelled exactly as it did right out of the package.

The Doc Johnson stamp at the base does tend to catch and hold lube (and, I imagine, other materials) so it needs some extra attention when cleaning.

You will want to use a good water-based lube with The Groove, and be sure to store it on its own. I kept it in original packaging, but since it holds on to dust, lint, and animal hair like crazy, you could put it into a non-linty bag or zipper plastic bag to keep it clean. I wash it off before each use anyways because, try as I might, I cannot seem to keep it free of cat and dog hair.

Before I washed it the first time, I accidentally dropped it on the floor (and thought it would bounce all around like a superball! Unfortunately, it didn’t) and when I picked it up, it looked like a caterpillar, all fuzzy and squirmy.

The Groove came in a standard plastic clamshell package with a simple sheet that includes the name, manufacturer information, and material information. There were no instructions, no raunchy pictures, only the basics.

I really enjoyed using The Groove and am happy that it was my first foray into the world of anal toys.

As someone with little experience with anal play, and no experience with anal toys, I wasn’t 100% sure what to expect from The Groove. In addition to having trouble inserting it due to the flexibility of the tip, I may have added a bit too much lube out of nervousness. After several unsuccessful (and humorous) tries, I laid the tip against my index finger and sort of pressed the tip into me. From then on, it was easy.

I was surprised that I was able to comfortably take so much of it in so quickly! The design really makes it easy to use (once it’s in) and it wasn’t too much of a stretch to insert all but the very last bump. Try as I might, though, I wasn’t able to get the last one in, it was just too girthy at 4 3/4″.

Rating: 4/5

This review was originally posted October 18, 2010 on another site, which is going under. Since I wrote the review, I feel I have the right to repost it here with links to a currently-successful site.